水夫猫 ワシュの日記

I may be going to LSU to become a Librarian. I just hope things work out. I hate being in limbo. Part of me wants to feel the rush of being a student once again. And I just truly want to be around other intelligent individuals as well. Going to work does not help, though being at the library is nice but...I have yet to find anyone who i can be truthful with. It is tiring to ware masks in order to blend in with society. Once I gain normalcy things may be better. I just have to take the GRE first. Then get into the program. Then figure out how to pay for classes. Then graduate again. Then get a job, though that bit is sortah easy if I do library stuff since the WBR people love me already, 4 years at Grafton paid off! やた！ Maybe I could join a club on campus... *eye sparkles* find an atheist anime book lovers club and i would die happy. Ah, note to self. A.D. katrina book thing remember to look and see if its offered at BSI or B&N. >,> i am not expecting much but we shall see.

 I need to vent only because i have been having a good time with my step brother but vikki made me want to just rip her a new one. How dare she! all I did was say "happy fathers day to you and yours" then she says "wow thanks when did I have a sex change" and I said "huh? oh! sorry' cause duh i never thought of it that way, thats just a saying. And she said "well whatever peace out have a nice life." This, is why I am not nice to people, if I don't like them then fine, I will just say it, screw trying to pussyfoot around just because someone else likes them. Try and repair it they toss it into your face. Stupid twit.

I hate my life. Its so fucking boring. I just want to be on my own. It would be a lot less boring oddly if it were just me, cause then I would feel less alone and hateful. I hate being around my family and at times I want to be around them. It feels like some fucked up hormonal imbalance or something. But I guess the plus is that it is making me look into grad schools. LSU forces you to stay on campus full time, (WTF!) so.. thats a no. So either CA, PA, GA for grad schools that look good. I just... want something solid for once. I was so happy at school because that was solid. Here things are so uncertain still shaky and I hate it. I hate being in limbo.
I must say though that I want to work on losing weight so I shall google targeting workouts, see what I can pull up. I think i need a break when I just kind of want to scream or do something reckless. I have been getting that antsy feeling a lot more lately, and not always when I am tired and frustrated. Its like ants are underneath my skin and I end up snapping more. I think I am getting more depressed though because I don't want to do anything. I feel so fake, I don't feel like myself like I have masks on all the time, and that the real me is starting to fade away. Plus I think I am getting a bit more suicidal thoughts than before. So I know I need to hurry up and do something, cause I would really probably be happier not having to deal with my complicated life but I just want to find out if things do work out eventually. The one thing I must say is that I do not want to be like my parents or siblings.
Never be lazy, never say uh huh and not do anything, never just sit around all day, never look down on people (unless they are really fucking stupid), never be an ass to those who you care about, don't push people away. KEEP IN CONTACT WITH FRieNDS AND FAMILY. Being at school and around friends has whipped away much of what made me like my mother and for that I am thankful.

" Just have to go forward"
Dyskrasia-kidneythieves